Wednesday, September 7, 2011

There is a diffrence between fear and severly scared...

This is going to be a tough fight... 

That was the understatement of the year.I had a blood clot in my calf, Bronchitis, a cyst the size of an orange, and Leukemia. I went from being scared of a blod clot to being afaraid I was going to die. This was not like when I was in the hospital before, like when I had blood infections or even when I had Incephalitis. This was a whole new ball game. No this was a whole new world. How was I a newly single mother of three going to handle this? My kids and I had just gone through a not so nice or easy divorce, my kids had just moved and started a new school, and now I had to tell them that I had cancer; I had Leukemia. I had always been the parent that was a constant for them. I was the one who was always there for them, and overnight they were going to have a childs worst fear, well my children's worst fear, happen. I had to be the one who would tell them too.
     I had suddenly gone from scared to a tornado of fear of what would happen to me, what would happen to my kids if something did happen to me, how was I going to tell them, how were they going to handle it, and a thousand other feelings that kept whirling around me in my tornado. then suddenly it was Saturday and the kids were on their way to come see me at the hospital so I could tell them I had Leukemia.  I remember the look on their faces as they walked in the room. My daughter had this look of panic on her face , she had read the sign on the way down the hall to my room, you couldn't miss it it was about 2 feet long and 5 feet wide with huge lettering on it. who ever made the sign certainly wanted people to know that you were on the Oncology Floor. She now knew that this was not Mommy's in the hospital for a week because she is sick as ,sad to say she was use to, it was CANCER.
She now knew that this was a big thing and there was no getting around it. The look one my boys faces were one one of concern and questions, but you could also see happiness and joy there too. To them Mommy was sick, but I had been sick before and this was not their first time coming to see me in the hospital either. Thet too were use to this scene. I did hugs and kisses around the room with them and small talked about how school was and their friends. then I had my parents take the boys out of the room to go get ice cream and take a walk. I sat my daughter down on the bed with me because I was in the beginning of a blood transfusion(we had covered the lines up and the bag of blood so that they could not see it all and the I.V. line to me went up my shirt and was hooked it to my port(centeral line under my skin located in my chest)so nnothing was visable) I tried to wait to start it but the doctor said no.
    My daughter sat down looked at me and with fear, anger,and love in her voice said to me,"Mom do you have cancer? My head swarmed with information and question and saddness. I sat for a moment praying and trying to refilter all the things that I had been told by the psycologistists, doctors and nurses about how to tell children mom has cancer. I only took 3 deep breaths, but it seemed a bit to long to her because she said I love you Mom. I said I love you too My Baby Girl and yes I have cancer. We both cried. I held her their in my arms for a good 10 minutes letting her cry and rubbing her hair. While I sat there taking in the feeling of her in my arms determined to not to forget it. When she started to take some deep breaths I started to talk slowly and softly.Baby Girl I love you and I know that this is scary. I am scared too. I have Leukemia, cancer in  my blood. She asks- can you, are you going to die? Can the doctors make you better? I answer with the answers that the doctors had told me not to. I do not lie to my children and I was not going to start now. Plus I had been praying about how to handle this conversation and all I kept hearing in my head was- "The truth will set you free.". So I spoke, The doctors have medicine they are going to give me. I start Chemotherapy tonight. They are going to do everything that they can do, and I am going to fight like crazy- I will NOT give up, but the best part about this is that we have God. He is bigger than cancer and God has a plan. we don't know what it is right now, but we do know that God is in control and He has a plan. That had answered and soothed mosr of her, but she still wanted the answer I could not give her. Mom are you going to die?  Not right now I am not, and not today either, but I am not going to lie to you and tell you know because I can. I promise to tell you the truth about this like I have about everything else if that is what you want. Is that what you want, because the answers might not be what you want to hear? Yes tell me the truth. OK then I promise I will. My Mom walked into the room slowly and said she had the boys if I was ready. My daughter left the room with my Mom and then she brought the boys in.
     I sat the boys on the end of my bed and my Mom sat down in a chair close by. I couldn't pray fast enough, but again the words came to my head-" The truth will set you free".  So I began with the truth. Boys Mommy is sick. My oldest son says,"I know that Mommy your in the hospital." I said, but this is a diffrent kind of sick. I have a whole bunch of  bad cancer cell soldiers in my blood and the doctors are going to be giving me some medicine that has a whole bunch of good soldiers in it. Out pops- "Are they Army soldiers Mom?" Yep Baby they are Army soldiers. Tears start to flow then, and my boys at the same time say,"Momma, why are you crying? Don't you want them to be Army soldiers?" Yes, I want them to be Army soldiers and I am crying because I love you two so so very much! And I miss you guys a lot! My oldest says to me," I love you too Momma and I miss you too. I will always love you!" as he scoots over and gives me a huge hug. Followed a second later by his brother telling me he loves me too and always. Again I am holding tight to them as to forge this feeling into my memory forever.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


How simple it is that all you have to do is fill out a few lines of information and wow there you are... a window into this free, unending. forever to be displayed massive thing called the internet. Amazing how easy and open this is. This is one of those moments that if you are a teenager how BIG this is,well is lost on. If you are in your 80's most will think of -WHY? But if you are in between there it is big and exciting and maybe if you really think about it for a moment or two you realize just how incredible it is to be able to put whatever it is you want people to know or not out there in the all incumbusing void or open range of this manmade information creature. Because that is what it is - a creaature, of our own making that can either be good or bad, but mostly falls in-between. So now that I have taken a moment to put that out there, here is why I am really doing this.

I am doing this for the simplist of reasons really. I know that long afrter I am not here on this beautiful Earth what I have said will be.So here is to the beginning of my Not so Simple.
     Life is not so simple. Life has moments that are simple, periods of time that are simple , but I do not think that Life in a whole is simple. Things become a simple list when you are faced with what is important when knowing you are or can die. I think that most people if asked would say that when facing that option things become very simple. Yet if thought about every day that you are alive is another day that you are closer to dying if looked at from the point of dying when you are old or every day that you live is the day you could die from literally thousands of things. Yet most people do not think of that unless it is pointed out by something happening to make that point real.
     Why is it that it takes cancer to put things in line for the majority of us? Why is it that we wait for something catastrophic to happen to make a change in our lives? Why can we not live our lives as if that day was our last day? I am not implying that we should not dream or plan for the future. I am implying that we as a person should make our diffrences everyday. Make our important people important everyday. Make the ones we love know that they are the ones we love everyday. and if we do will we still need to have something major happen to uproot and change how we behave and live?